Written 11th February 2020
I’m going to write this to document our separation however I’m unsure whether it will ever be published. It will depend on how things go and whether Ric is happy with me publishing it. I’m going to write it anyway. In times of stress, I find getting my thoughts out in my writing very helpful.
Let’s start at the beginning…
Eleven days ago, on the 1st of February, my husband and I decided that our marriage was over.
It wasn’t out of the blue. There had been some text messages over the week running up to this day and the overall theme was that we were both fed up. You may ask “Why text messages?” Something so important needs actual conversation. Yes, you’re right but that’s not something we get a chance to have a lot of which probably was a factor in the separation amongst other things.
The conversation that Saturday morning had us out of answers. We didn’t know what to do anymore. We had both had enough, caring about each other but we weren’t in love. We had tried everything, even relationship counselling. I think we both knew it was done.
That day I felt a range of emotions but mainly sadness. I knew it was right. Ric even said “Do you feel a little relieved?” Yes I did, but I felt sad. For the whole day my eyes hurt and my voice broke as I spoke about it with one of my best friends. I cried a lot. I kept thinking about the kids and that we were changing their life as they knew it. The only thing that stopped me losing it completely was that we agreed I would stay in the house with the kids and I knew that would keep the normality for them.
The next day I felt a bit better but to be honest, it seemed like a normal day. Ric was home, we went to my sisters for Sunday dinner and it was a nice day. The thing is, the family unit was never a problem. We have had some great family adventures. Unfortunately, the marriage wasn’t there anymore. Monday came around, I went to work and told them, more tears followed.
I follow a pattern when something traumatic happens in my life. I react immediately with crying which lasts a few days, then something clicks in and I just get on with it. That’s what happened on the Tuesday following. I had two children that needed me and a life I needed to get on with so I just kept busy.
Separated But Living Together
Obviously, Ric couldn’t just move out straight away. As he said, we had practically been housemates anyway so we would just carry on like that for the kids’ sake until we found something for him.
Luckily his Dad buys and rents out apartments and one was up for sale about ten minutes from our house. So the process started for the separation to be made official by living apart. As I write this, we are still living together and the first seven days were okay. Ric works five fourteen-hour days so we don’t see that much of him meaning nothing much has changed. His days off were a little more difficult. He won’t mind me saying that he was struggling with his emotions and he took it out on me. I bit back at first but then tried to just give him some space while he worked through it. This morning was better.
Living together when separated is a little weird even if neither of you are trying to make it that way. We don’t want to confuse things or blur the lines yet we are still sharing a bed because it would be weird for the kids if one of us was on the sofa. We are both trying to keep things calm so that it stays amicable and the children aren’t disrupted.
Moving Forward following Separation
Ric should be moving out around the beginning of March. I know it’s going to be the next challenge along with telling the kids. We plan to do this when he moves out so there is no confusion. I’m dreading it but I keep telling myself that a) kids are resilient b) Sienna won’t have a clue c) They won’t see their Daddy much less than they do now due to his working. The chances are that the only difference to them will be waking up in the morning to just Mummy. They don’t see him before bed Tuesday – Saturday and they will be seeing him on his days off.
I’m a planner and there is so much uncertainty ahead. I’m trying to sort out finances and I know I’m not going to be living the life I was but hopefully, we will be happier. I hope that Ric and I will get on better as friends. I hope we will be able to co-parent effectively together and work together to ensure the kids live a happy and fulfilled life.
I come from a separated and very extended family and I love it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hopefully, Lucas and Sienna will feel the same in the future. One thing I’m sure of is that we can say confidently “Mummy and Daddy did all they could and worked at our marriage but it wasn’t enough.” Mostly, I’m positive about the future but I know there will be some speed bumps along the way. One thing for sure, our separation is the right decision.
Note: This was written on 11th February 2020 following the separation however I wanted to wait till things had settled to post it. There will also be Eleven Weeks and Eleven Months of Separation to follow.