If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll probably have seen that I separated from my husband at the beginning of the year. It’s now six months on and I thought I’d write down a little of what’s gone through my head during my new single mum life.
“I have no say in their life.”
Okay, firstly, this is a massive exaggeration. If you hadn’t guessed it’s to do with my children. I don’t have “no say” in their life but I do have less of a say when it comes to their time with their Dad. The first couple of times he had them on a Sunday I found myself suggesting what he could do and planning out the day. I had to stop myself because it’s not for me to decide anymore. Truthfully, it annoyed me that I always used to suggest what we did so it was a good opportunity to stop.
“They like Daddy more than me.”
I know this is not true and they love us equally. Just like I love Lucas and Sienna equally. But that doesn’t stop the thoughts entering my head. Daddy takes them on big adventures through woods and plays playstation with Lucas. Daddy is good at playing pretend and wrestling. What I have to remember is that Mummy has her strengths too and when they come back I get the biggest cuddles. Whenever I sit down, both want to be as close to me as possible. They smile and laugh at Mummy’s, just like they do at Daddy’s. It’s just that insecurity isn’t it?
“Ah, peace and quiet. Oh no, wait! I must miss them!”
One of my best friends said to me that I’d begin to enjoy my time without them. Mum guilt arrives as soon as you have children but my god, does it double when you separate! I feel guilt for putting my happiness first. Well that’s how it feels. I feel guilty for cleaning when they are around. That little voice in my head tells me I could do it when they’re at their dads. I feel guilt for enjoying the time I have without them. “You should be missing them.”
The list of mum guilt is endless. I have to be strong and put a lid on that voice. I know I’m a bloody good Mum and I know that time without them is much-needed respite. Parents that are still together get their alone time. Well, when I have the kids it’s just me and them so the quiet time is bliss.
“Oh god, I have to start dating again.”
So much has changed in the dating world since last time I was single! I’m in no rush to get into another relationship. I’m perfectly happy single. I’m independent with plenty of friends and family to keep myself busy, as well as the kids. It’s not a priority. I did sign up to online dating and chatted to a few guys over lockdown. However, I realised that I was just happy to focus on me and the kids for now. I want to get me back and enjoy being me.
I love sharing snippets from this stage of my life because it’s such a big change and I know it’ll be great to look back on and see how far I’ve come. Hopefully, posts such as this and the one about telling the kids about separation are helpful to readers if they’re going through a similar thing. Mostly, my blog posts are therapeutic to me. They help me organise my thoughts and get them out of my head.